I recently had the opportunity to help nourish a group of women on a weekend retreat. My son is a professional chef which was also my primary occupation for many years. I love working with my son, and being in the sous chef role these days suits me just fine and I feel like I can help illuminate his radiant Leo light.
The women that gathered were followers of Instagram influencers who were mostly in their thirties. Most, if not all of the women, were pregnant or had children - young moms. It was a delightful energy to be in once again. I was aware of how long it had been since I had a child on my hip while holding a conversation with many tiny voices in the midst.
It was well into the weekend when it occurred to me that I was, by many years, the oldest woman there. In part I had this awareness due to my son sharing his reflections on witnessing interactions. He noted how the women were often thanking me. I actually had not noticed this.
I realized that as the elder there that this had brought forth different treatment, and not just as my sons elder - but the elder of the entire group. This is very complicated in my inner world - being an ‘older woman’. And while it seems ridiculous, it is an inner and outer duality that I am finding myself at odds with.
For decades I have led women’s New Moon groups. I have always sought to bring together a group of women who range in age. In most groups we’ve been blessed to have a mother and daughter together in the group which was wonderful. And, in all of my groups, up until now…there has been at least a few women who were older than I am…which I have appreciated.
In our current group here in Michigan a women who is in her later thirties shared a while back how much she appreciates being in a group with ‘older women’. When my inner child first heard her words - older women - I had quite a knee jerk reaction.
With a moment’s passing, and a deep exhale, I began to embrace the beauty of her words. The gift that it is to be in this role. I am grateful that I have lived as long as I have and that I’ve learned from so many incredible teachers. Plants - medicinal herbs and flowers- being some of my most profound teachers.
Yet, at the same time I feel this newness to accepting that role, not because it’s not an honor but because quite simply - it means I’m old…and it’s change.
I recently had a birthday and I celebrated it in Iceland. On my actual day a woman I met there who was also born on the same day, and is close to my age, asked me my age. Interestingly, I told her the wrong number. I was surprised to hear it come out of my mouth.
What came out of me, without a pause to think, was the number I felt. I feel so much younger, yet I live with this growing awareness of aging. I do not conceal my age in anyway. I don’t dye my hair, I’ve done a horrible job taking care of my skin and I don’t wear makeup. Watching the look on her face was the perfect reflection of my own inner surprise at hearing my answer. I quickly corrected myself. Yes, age is just a number…a number I want to fully embrace.
So how do I come to terms with my aging.
I have worked with our elders for years. I have taught yoga in a number of retirement and assisted living communities for a few decades now. When I was teaching in California one of the residents had a sign outside her apartment door that stated, The Golden Years Suck. A fairly big, clear message about how she viewed this chapter.
One of the definitions of a matriarch is that of a highly respected older woman. I’ve decided this is a good definition to embrace…right up there with elder, over the word senior. I’ve not ever been fond of the word senior and feel that elder brings with it respect, as does the role of a matriarch.
With each year I am blessed to be on this earth I aspire to acquire more wisdom, more experience and hopefully more grace in this process so that I no longer have knee jerk reactions or spew out random ages and that I can truly embody with reverence the role of an elder.
Aging is a blessing - one that I will continue to find more ways to appreciate. When I was in my early forties two of my very dear friends who have AIDS and are now very long time survivors were at my house for Thanksgiving dinner and my mother was there too.
My mother, who is very youthful, and takes great pride in that, made a comment about aging. She said something like, ‘well no one wants to get old.’ My friend, who totally had expected to die years earlier, without missing a heartbeat said, ‘I do’.
As do I…..with as much joy, beauty, health, courage, humor and reverence as is humanly possible.